A look at the secretly scandalous life of Indian Asians in North America.
“Yo I’m so glad you’re here, I already arranged for us to go to a club tonight”
“Cool”
“It’s a brown club though”
“Brown club, what the hell is that?”
“Girl, I hang with a whole Indian crew and that’s what they call themselves”
This is a conversation I had with a good friend in Georgia that goes to medical school with a lot of Canadian Indians.
I was so intrigued by the gossip and drama in this group that I decided to interview one of her female friends.
Dr. Punjabi
What do you like about being Punjabi?
I guess I like the surface things like religion, culture, food and dress. Actually I would miss the Nepotism. Punjabi’s will help each other out with jobs or anything else just because you are Punjabi. Like my real estate agent for example, he has held my hand through the entire process of buying my house, I mean we are complete strangers, but just because I’m Punjabi, he picked me up from the airport, he went out of his way to ensure I understood everything and he’s actually a commercial real estate agent, but he’s helping me with this residential property just because by Dad is Punjabi. In Indian culture your family is not just the people in front of you it’s your whole community.
What Social class would you say most Punjabi people fall into?
It all depends on when you left India. If you are a new immigrant, a two parent household would make around $50,000 a year. I’m lucky because my parents have been here for 30 years. Old immigrants would make more than new immigrants. Keeping up with the Joneses is very important to brown people. Ok this is a Punjabi thing, no first generation kid likes it, cause its kind of ghetto, but a lot of brown people have multiple family homes. New immigrants need to compete. If there is an underlying theme with Brown people its Nepotism and Pride. Anyway, so they still try to buy large homes and they move grandparents in to live with the family so that they can afford it. For example there is a family on my street in a four bedroom house. In this house the parents, the kids, the grandparents, the Dad’s brother and his wife and kids all live there just so that they can say they live in that neighborhood in that type of house. Its like you’re constantly being compared so you have to keep up. I mean they use the grandparents being old as an excuse to take them in, but the grandparents still have to pitch in to help pay the mortgage.
Did you always want to be a doctor?
No, but if my mother asks Yes. Actually I always wanted to so something in health, and I actually got offered a job in research but my parents weren’t feeling it. Indians like to see their people doing better than other ethnicities; no actually its like, if you’re black and you see like the first black person being an astronaut or something, all black people cheer for him. Indians are like that, it’s a matter of representing. The older generations feel like the younger generation has to represent them. People like to say, my son is a doctor and my daughter is a dentist and you need to reply with something equally as prestigious.
Do all brown people do as their parents tell them?
A lot of first generation Indians are standing up to their parents. My cousin for example pretty much told his parents “screw your pride, I’m doing my own thing. ” As a result ,he’s the black sheep of the family now, and family in brown culture is not just your relatives. My reason for going to medical school is fear. Fear of letting my father and mother down. More so my Dad, letting my Dad down would be too hard. It’s a guilt based fear. My parents always try to nudge me in the right direction except that for Indians, a nudge is more like a shove. My mom always tells us the story of when they first came to Canada with just a $20. Bill in their hands and lived in a studio apartment. Guilt is big with Indians and you know what, I think I would raise my children the same way.
What is your social life like?
My parents have been here for 30 years so they have kinda adopted a lot of the western values. I drink, go clubbing have cut hair and piercings. (I also noticed a tattoo) A lot of people think piercings are an Indian thing but it actually depends on the generation, like in my grandmother’s generation, it was ok to pierce your nose for your wedding but it was very taboo in my mother’s generation the equivalent of getting a tattoo for some families. My mother always wanted a nose ring even up to this day, but she is afraid even though my grandfather is dead for several years now. It all depends too on when you migrated from India. We call the new immigrants FOBS (pronounced as Sobs with an F,) which is kinda bad that we call them that, but it means Fresh off the Boat, because they still hold on to the lot of the old values. Like last week the people I’m staying with invited me to a wedding, so I was like cool free drinks, I’m there. I get there and apparently a lot of FOBS were invited. I had one drink and people were staring at me, I mean hardcore. Even when my parents have dinner parties and I know FOBS are going to be there, I don’t drink cause they will be like “Hai, you let your daughter drink?” Its ok for boys though, my brother can do it and he’s younger than me can you believe that? Cut hair is also a determining factor cause that is really apart of Sikhism my religion, Women are not really supposed to cut their hair and men wear long beards. Don’t quote me on the religious part of it though, but you will notice a lot of Sikhs especially FOBS with a long braid or men with beards.
Are there any limitations on what you are allowed to wear?
If your family is what we call Backwards, which is basically if you are a FOB (fresh off the boat) or you’ve been in this country for a significant time but your family is still very strict culturally. Backward families don’t want their kids wearing anything above the knee not even to go swimming. They make their kids wear shorts and a T-Shirt at the beach. On the other hand My Mom is like, let’s go bikini shopping. A good example is when I was studying in Aruba and some one of the other students took a picture of my friend in a Tank top and it got on the internet and got back to her parents. Her parents were so mad like you would not believe and of course everyone is talking about it. I mean it’s a Caribbean country, its hot, of course you’re gonna wear a tank top.
What about Relationships and Sex
(She laughs first)
I’m not really attracted to Punjabi men. I don’t know, I guess I haven’t found the right one. I have a jaded view cause I think that a lot of them are so stereotypically Indian and they always have a flaw, like not being open minded. Like me having piercings and drinking is not what traditional Punjabi women should really do and they have a problem with it. Sex before marriage is very divided. I would say 90% of brown people are dating in secret, more so girls than boys. In Punjabi culture, a woman’s dignity is determined by her virginity, that isn’t to say that there isn’t sex going on, it happens but very very in the closet. Like you would see a girl whose dating a guy for 6 years and you ask if there having sex and they’ll be like No, but you know they are. Some girls are all like Yes Mommy, Yes Daddy in their turtle necks but you know there screwing everything that moves. That’s part of why I’m not really into Punjabi men cause they seem to always be sex deprived and then they end up being players.
Will your parents get involved in who you marry?
Ok. There’s a pyramid. My family set this criterion for me. At the top, there is a Jat/Sikh boy. Jet being the caste, (caste- social divisions into which Hindu society is traditionally divided) and Sikh is our religion. If I can’t find any of those, they’ll accept a Sikh boy even if he is not from the Jat caste. Third in the pyramid would be a Hindu or Sikh Punjabi, and last any Hindu boy. My parents know that I have not been dating any Indians so they would just be glad for me to get an Indian from anywhere. Definitely no Muslims or blacks though.
What has your experience been like with Racism?
I feel really comfortable in Atlanta because here, the minorities are the majority. When traveling in other parts of the US, well in addition to the stereotype that Indians smell, I usually get people judging me especially in stores. A lot of times when I enter a store the store clerks kinda look at me like, Oh God what is she doing here, she can’t speak English and they try to avoid me, then as soon as I open my mouth and they hear my accent, their facial expression changes immediately because they think I’m an American. When they do things like that it just further alienates a community that already feels alienated.
I’ve noticed that in a lot of Indian movies all of the stars are very light skinned, is there a cultural preference towards light skin? (Bear In mind this is a light skinned Punjabi girl)
Humm, actually from a Punjabi point of view….. Yes. Actually the night before an Indian wedding, we call it the night of the Mendhi, and please do not judge, a corn flour paste that is rubbed on the girls’ body to make her more light skinned for the wedding night. Nobody actually comes out and says Light skin is better than dark skin but it seeps out. For example, I love to sun tan and when I was in Aruba my mother would be like don’t stay in the sun too long you will get dark and no man wants a dark wife.
Closing thoughts.
All Indians need therapy. (She says laughing) With all the guilt we have to put up with, every Indian person should just come with a therapist at birth to prepare them for the road ahead.
Tell me, how much involvement do you think one’s parents should have in a person’s life?
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